Arthur's Magazine Madness
by AlexGates26
Summary: Arthur sells some of his father's private magazines to his friends at school, with consequences he could never foresee.
1. Chapter 1

Rubbing his eyes, Arthur descended the stairs, eagerly awaiting the glass of water that always put him back to sleep. Halfway down, the aardvark heard voices coming from the kitchen. Voices that belonged to his parents. His father had just returned home from work at his catering business late, as he sometimes did. But it never caused an argument, as it appeared to be doing now. The third-grader stopped and pressed his body against the wall, curious to hear exactly what the topic of conversation was.

"I just don't see what the problem is!" his father David was protesting.

"The _problem_," his mother Jane snapped. "Is that I never thought I would find something so _obscene _in my own wardrobe!"

This intrigued Arthur. What could she be talking about? His friend Buster had done something obscene in his wardrobe once, but he has assumed his father to be too old for that_._

"Oh, you're overreacting." David insisted passively. "They can't do any harm..."

"They were just lying there, David. What if Arthur stumbled in and saw them?"

"Well, maybe it'd be good." he grumbled. "They might straighten him out a bit. Stop him hanging out with that _George_ kid...you know I have my suspicions about him..."

Arthur heard his mother sigh. "Just promise me you'll put them in a better spot, alright?"

"Alright." David agreed. "Now, did you save me any dinner?"

"Yes, but Buster Baxter came around and ate it all."

A fist hit a table. "Didn't you tell him it was mine?"

"Of course I did. He shrugged and kept on eating."

"Christ, I hate that kid..."

Arthur quickly ran back into his room when he heard footsteps heading his way. Lying in bed, he ran the overheard conversation through his mind again and again. What were his parents talking about? What kind of obscene things had his mother been so concerned about him finding? There was only one solution. Tomorrow morning he would rummage through his parents closet and find out.

"Arthur, honey! Breakfast!"

Arthur awoke with the same moodiness he did on any other school day. It was only until he had gotten dressed and reached the middle of the stairs that last night's mystery flooded back into his mind. Hearing his mother, father and both sisters at the table, he quickly and quietly crept back up, and entered his parents bedroom.

His heart was thudding as he approached the closet. _What could be in there? Jewels? Monsters? A gateway to parallel universe?_ He scolded himself for thinking like Buster, and with a shaking hand slowly opened the door to find...

Clothes.

Arthur let out a sigh of both relief and disappointment. Whatever it was he wasn't supposed to find, his father had obviously moved them the night before. Hardly believing he could be so silly, he went to close the door when he caught glimpse of something in the dark corner. He switched on the light and saw it was merely a stack of magazines lying face-down amongst his father's shoes. Surely this wasn't the big mystery? Curiously, he turned one over, and gasped. He was hardly able to comprehend what he saw.

The magazine title was _Naughty_, but Arthur didn't pay any attention to that. He was too busy staring at the woman on the cover. She was a bunny, but she didn't look a thing like Buster's mother. She had long blond hair, and a stunning smile. She wore nothing besides a far-too-small pink bikini, showing off her amazing figure, something Buster's mum _definitely _didn't have.

Heart pounding once more, Arthur quickly flicked through the pages, amazed to find _even more _pictures of _even more _beautiful women with _even less _on!The other magazines in the pile were all the same—it was like ten Christmases had come at once!

"Arthur, breakfast!" his mother called again.

He didn't want to leave the treasure he had just found, but he _certainly_ didn't want his mother to come upstairs and find him leafing through it. He hurriedly hid one of them under his jumper and left the room, careful to turn the light off and close the door behind him.


	2. Chapter 2

Arthur approached his friends Binky Barnes and Buster Baxter before school in the hallway, having another one of their pointless arguments.

"I'm telling you, there is no _way _Hulk Hogan could beat Bionic Bunny!" Buster insisted.

"Yes he could," retorted Binky. "Bionic Bunny isn't even real."

"You take that back..." Buster demanded, producing a flick-knife from his pocket. _"Take it back!"_

"Hey guys!" Arthur interrupted, before lowering his voice. "Have I got something to show you!" He removed the magazine from under his jumper, careful to look out for any teachers.

"What is _that?_" Binky asked.

"Take a look..." Arthur flipped over the pages to his friend's shock.

"But those women are naked!" Buster said. "Arthur, where in the world did you get this?"

"I found it in my Dad's closet. Neat, huh?"

"Wow!" exclaimed Binky. "The only thing I found in my Dad's closet were a whole lot of little plastic bags with white powder in them..."

"What's all the commotion?" The Brain asked.

"Shhh..." Buster whispered. "Check out what Arthur found!"

"Wow!" The Brained gasped. "They're _beautiful!"_

Before too long, a small crowd of boys had gathered around Arthur's majestic magazine, all of them commenting on the sunning content in hushed voices.

"Gee whiz, check out the pair on _her!_"

"Wow, bigger than Brain's mom's!"

"Heh heh..." Brained laughed uneasily. "...what?"

"Gross..." George said, scrunching up his nose.

"What's all this?" a loud voice asked.

Arthur hid the magazine behind is back in time to see Francine approaching the group. "Oh, hey Francine, we were all just talking about...about Brain's mom!"

All the boys nodded in agreement—except the Brain.

"Well we can discuss Brain's smoking-hot mom later. Now we have History with the Rat, and I for one don't want to be late."

Reluctantly, they boys began walking towards their classroom.

"Hey Arthur," the Brain whispered. "Can I borrow your magazine at recess?"

"Hey, no fair! I want to look at it at recess!" Buster hissed.

"Sorry guys, _I'm _going to be looking through it at recess." Arthur said with a proud smile.

"Well, does your Dad have any others lying around?" Binky asked. "One I can have?"

"One for me too!" Buster added.

"And me!" said the Brain.

"Yuck. Count me out..." George said, hurrying away.

"No way!" Arthur protested. "Guy's, they're mine!"

"Come on, Arthur!" Buster pleaded. "I need more than that picture of Brain's mom at the beach!"

"What the hell does that mean?" demanded the Brain.

"Please! I'll give you my comic book money." said Binky.

Arthur turned to face the three of them. "You mean you guys would pay money for those magazines?"

They all nodded enthusiastically.

For the first time ever, Arthur smiled as he was entering Ratburn's History class. He knew he may have just stumbled upon a very good idea.


	3. Chapter 3

"Alright, very funny." David said from the top of the stairs.

His voice came as a surprise to Jane, who, after taking Arthur and DW to school and putting Kate down for a nap, had assumed that her husband had left for work. "You know, once upon a time you cared about your baking..."

"The place is being fumigated for giant rats, and once upon a time _you _weren't such a bitch." he snapped as he emerged wearing a bathrobe. "Now where did you put them?"

Jane continued the typing on her desk. "Where did I put what?"

"You know full-well what. What did you do with my magazines?"

Jane turned to look at him. "I haven't touched them. When I checked the closet this morning I assumed _you _had moved them."

"Well, I definitely didn't so it must have been you, unless..." his face suddenly dropped as he realized the complete, terrifying reality of the situation. _"Oh, Christ..." _he whispered. "Arthur!" Without so much as putting on some pants, or for that matter _anything _under his bathrobe, David bolted out the door and jammed himself into his catering van, hoping he could reach Elwood City Elementary before it was too late.

At the beginning of lunch break, Arthur was strutting down the hallways, feeling very pleased with himself. Why shouldn't he be? After he had turned up at school with the rest of his dad's magazines, he discovered it wasn't just his close friends that wanted to purchase them. Practically all the boys in the _school _approached him at recess, asking to buy a copy of their own, a service he was all too happy to provide. His only regret was that it was over. All thirty or so issues of _Naughty, Busty _and _Slapper_ that once sat in his parents closet were now circulated all around the school, being read in the bathroom, on the jungle gym, even during class, and he no longer had any to sell. Still, considering the _very_ hearty profit he had made in the process, he was hardly able to be unhappy.

He had just strolled into the toilet and had stationed himself at the urinal when the door slammed open again. There stood his father, barely concealed by a loosely-tied robe and sweating intensely. Leaves and twigs clung to his now-wild hair. His sudden appearance gave Arthur quite a start, who leaped back in fright and banged his head hard into one of the stalls. "Dad! Jesus Christ, what the hell happened to you?"

"Oh Arthur," he panted. "Thank God it's you! The car ran out of gas half way here, and I had to spriny for the rest, but then the cops thought I was a pervert and I didn't outrun them for six blocks. I went up to _four _different kids that I thought were you!"

"Why? What's the problem?"

"Okay..." David said, lowering his voice dramatically. "There's about half a dozen hall monitors after me, so I don't have time to be subtle. I'm just going to go out and ask it; did you find a stack of magazines in my closet?"

"Uh...yeah..." Arthur admitted, his heart sinking.

He grabbed Arthur by the shoulders and looked into his eyes. "Tell me you didn't bring them to school."

"Um...maybe?" Arthur could feel himself begin to perspire.

"_Please _tell me you still have them."

Arthur didn't know how to answer that. "Well...I...uh..."

"_Arthur..."_

"Dad, I kind of sold them all to some kids at school..."

David's mouth dropped. "You what? You stupid idiot! You sold my porno to your school friends?" He began shaking him violently by the shoulders. "What an idiot! Why the hell would you do something so stupid?"

So consumed with rage was David, he didn't even notice Principle Haney enter the bathroom, holding a folded newspaper in one hand. He also didn't notice that his robe was slowly coming undone, revealing a lack of undergarments beneath.

Mr. Haney's eyes narrowed with rage. _"Not in my school..."_ He hissed. He lowered his body and charged headfirst into the unsuspecting David, which sent him sprawling backwards into the wall. Gritting his teeth, the ferocious principle pulled him up by the collar and promptly began pounding his face as hard as he could.

"_Not!"_

Punch.

"_In!"_

Punch.

"_My!"_

Punch

"_School!"_

Mega-punch.

Arthur should have tried to break up the onslaught. Instead he used the opportunity to slink back into the hallways, whistling nonchalantly.


	4. Chapter 4

After the day's final lesson, Mr. Ratburn dismissed the class as usual, but requested that Arthur stay behind for a few minutes.

"_Busted!" _whispered Busty.

"Aw man!" Arthur moan. He hoped Ratburn wasn't going to make him return the money he had made. He already made plans to buy a gun—a real gun!

Slowly, the class filtered away, happily chatting, until it was just the two of them.

"Arthur, take a seat." Ratburn said, motioning to the seat by his desk. He looked like he had a lot to say, but didn't know how. Cautiously, Arthur complied. "Now Arthur," he began slowly. "Is it true you have been selling pornographic materials to your fellow students?"

"What?" Arthur said. "No, just some magazines with naked ladies in them."

"I see. So George _was _telling the truth..."

"If you want some, I can't help you, Mr. Ratburn. I'm all out."

The teacher laughed. "Oh no, don't worry about _me _Arthur." He tapped the laptop that sat on his desk lightly. "That idiot Haney didn't install any content filters." He said with a wink.

Arthur didn't know what that meant, but he laughed just the same.

"Now, I understand you got these magazines from your father?" Ratburn asked, serious again.

"Yeah..."

"And this is the same person Principle Haney apprehend in the boys bathroom, wearing nothing but a bath robe?"

"Yeah, that's him."

Ratburn nodded solemnly. "I see. I understand it must not be easy to live with that man."

"Oh, you have no idea!" Arthur said, thinking about all the times his dad told him to take out the trash or clean his room.

"No, you're right son." Ratburn said quietly. "I have no idea what you must be going through. I just want you to know Arthur, it ends now. We've contacted the police and social services."

"Okay..." Arthur said, wondering why that was relevant.

"I'm just so, so sorry I couldn't help you earlier." Ratburn said, his bottom lip quivering. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Uh..." Arthur eyed the jar of candy his teacher kept on the desk. "Can I have one of those?"

"Yes." Ratburn whispered, a tear forming in his eye. "Take as many as you like, son." That was all he said before burying his face in his hands and crying deeply.

"Cool!" Arthur exclaimed, helping himself to a handful of sweets before leaving the classroom.

"What happened?" Buster asked, leaning against the wall outside.

"Buster, I have no freaking idea," he confessed. "But Ratburn started crying and gave me a buttload of candy!"

"Oh, okay."

"This is where you would usually make a comment about aliens taking over Ratburn's body, or something..." Arthur informed him.

"I know!" Buster admitted. "But since you got me that magazine, all I can think about is boobs!"


	5. Chapter 5

Late that night, Arthur was falling asleep in bed when he heard his dad enter the room. Part of him thought he was about to get the pissed beaten out of him. But David didn't sound like he was in the mood for arguing.

"Arthur?"

"Yeah, Dad?"

David crept inside and sat at the foot of his son's bed. Arthur noticed his nose and jaw were heavily bandaged. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry for getting angry at you today. It wasn't your fault. I had never explained those kinds of images to you before, and naturally, when you saw them you were confused." He sighed. "But it's okay. I was able to explain to child services that I hadn't simply _given _them to you, and they're canceling their investigation. So that's good..."

"...but?" Arthur predicted.

"Well, I got about two dozen phone calls on the way back. Apparently word that I was a pedophile got around town fast, and everyone's canceled their orders." He shook his head, dumbfounded. "I don't think I have a job anymore..."

"Gee Dad, what are you going to do?"

"I don't know, son. Right now, I just don't know..."


	6. Chapter 6

"Hey grampa!" Binky called out. "Am I going to get another banana-split here, or do I have a word with the manager who's half your age?"

"Sorry sir," David mumbled. "I'll be right with you."

It was two weeks since the magazine business, and David had found another job working as a waiter at the Sugar Bowl, much to the delight of Arthur and his friends.

"Gee Arthur," said Muffy. "I thought you would have hated your dad changing jobs."

"Are you kidding?" Arthur laughed. "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me! I can be a complete asshole to the guy, and he can't do a thing to stop me! Here, watch this..." He took a sip from his strawberry milkshake. "Hey, you!"

David looked over.

"We got a spill over here!"

"Where?" he asked, walking over to Arthur's table.

"Right _here!_" Arthur slapped the glass from the table, causing the glass to shatter and the pink liquid to spread across the tiled floor. "Well, better get cleanin'." Arthur said with a smile.

At that moment, the store's acne-ridden manager, a power-hungry cat no older than twenty, came in from the kitchen. "Read!" he barked. "What the hell is going on here? I step out for two goddamn minutes, and you let the place turn into a pigsty? You can't slack off, Read, you'll have plenty of time for that when you're _dead _in a few years!"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Makowski, sir," David pleaded, trying to shut out the laughter coming from his son and friends. "I was just going to clean it up now."

"Yeah, my ass you were, Read." he grumbled. "Get it done and then move on to the crappers. Someone really did a number in one of the stalls..._phew..._"

David gave a soft sob and went to fetch the mop and bucket.

"You're right, Arthur." The Brains laugh, wiping tears from his eyes. "That _is _funny. Did you guys see his gay little hat and apron!"

"The dickhead looked like he was going to cry!" Francine exclaimed.

Arthur chuckled. "You guys want another round? It's on me."

And so, a fun time was had by all at the Sugar Bowl. Well, all except David Read, who copped unimaginably damage to his self-esteem every horrible second that he worked there. As he scrubbed furiously at the toilets he wondered why, oh why, he didn't just hide his magazines when his wife asked him to.


End file.
